Doin' Some Soul Searching

Tuesday morning I awoke with the best of intentions.  I had hoped to get back onto the roads in the early morning.  Something I have rarely done lately.  But as I have done for over a year now, I disappointed myself and ended up running after class at 9:00 p.m.  I suppose the good news is I am still running.  But I am nowhere near as fast as I once was, and I'm not logging the number of miles I once was. 

Tuesday morning when I did awake I stepped onto the scale and for the first time in a very long time I tipped over 180 pounds at 180.2.  I was so angry with myself.  That is still a very good weight for me to be carrying but since January of last year I have put on about 8 pounds.  I am certain this is part of my issue. 

As I stepped onto the treadmill at 9:03 p.m. two nights ago I got myself going, flipped on my iPod Shuffle and took off.  Disappointed, angry and generally not happy with myself or where I am I did a lot of thinking.  Actually it was refreshing.  I am certain that I'm not far away from being back to where I was at one time.  It wasn't that long ago and all I need to do is string together a few good runs and start feeling good again. 

I am happy to report that even though it's only been a few days, I have resisted desserts for the most part, which has been difficult to do of late and I have worked out and run consistently.  Today I did 4 of my 5 miles in Boston qualifying time.  It's truly only a start and although I'm exhausted as I write this I feel as though I'm off and running.  I realized something else on the treadmill the other night.  I need to find that fire once again and commit myself to something.  Perhaps not Boston but I've got to find that something that is going to drive me like Boston did for so many years.  I sit back and realize that after pushing myself and driving myself for 5 years and worked myself hard to accomplish a goal I know that this is probably normal.  It's just a bump in the road and soon I'll find that desire.  Soon I'll get myself feeling better and soon I'll be back to the level that will make me content once again. 

No Reason to Question, Just Go With It

It has been about eleven months since I've "blogged" and in that time my well documented struggles have continued. So much, in fact, that I even questioned whether or not I wanted to even continue running. I am not sure how I got into this funk. I don't remember how long it's been since I've been in this funk and I don't even know why it's important to even ask those questions any longer. The fact of the matter is that I can look back at my running logs as well as posts here on this blog and realize that it has been an almost constant struggle for over a year.

But perhaps I am turning the corner a bit. Perhaps. I have been able to string together a couple of good runs here and there. I have been able to continue to push through when I've wanted to quit. I still work hard to excel and I've even run a couple of early spring races.

Another turning point for me has been those races. No, I haven't done particularly well. I was always able to challenge for a sub-20:00 5k and in each of the last two races I have posted 21:31 and 21:20 respectively. I don't know why, but my speed has left me. My endurance has left me. But what I have learned through running tells me that it doesn't have to be that way. I believe there is a possibility that I am simply burned out. So I have decided to try and go back to running for the joy that it brings me. My ultra-competitive side often causes me to struggle with the concept but I have tried to run without worry of time. I have tried to run purely for the joy of the run. I have made it work a few times. Other runs I still end with disappointment because I'm not as fast as I feel I should be.

I believe in my heart I can get back to where I was. I'm simply not at that level at the moment and I need to give myself time to get back to that level. I realize it won't happen overnight and that is the key. I have tried to stop questioning everything and simply go with it. Let the runs take me where they will and be happy that I am still out there. I am still putting one foot in front of the other and I am still moving forward, even if I feel like I'm moving backward. It's been a rough year. But the future still seems bright and I know that good things lie in front of me. Acceptance of where I am is the first step to getting back to the me I wish to be.