Still Looking for ME

Helluva time to pick to go disappearing. Try the entire winter and spring (so far) prior to the 2011 Boston Marathon. I went out for my 10-mile run today after work. One of my final two double-digit runs prior to the big day and like always, I did a lot of thinking on that run. I thought of lots of things but two themes stand out to me.

First, I kept thinking about what's wrong with me. Where am I? Which leads me to the second thought. And invariably the two are tied together. This is the biggest sporting event I've participated in in my entire life (debatable, but I don't think I've been involved in any bigger. The sheer history of the Boston Marathon and the fact that one must qualify to get into it leaves me thinking that yes, it is THE BIGGEST event of my life.) Where am I? Why can't I run fast like I did just a year ago at this time? Am I burnt out? Did the broken foot and then the tendinitis last year finally catch up to me? Is it the bad winter? (<-- frankly, this one is an excuse). Is my commitment level not where it should be? Did I spend too much time on the treadmill this past winter? Did the fact that I worked only half my normal complement of hockey games affect my cross-training? (<-- catch/22 of this is that I purposedly backed off so as to not get injured and cost myself Boston). Do others who qualify for this race experience the same kind of "drop off" I have?

With three weeks to go, obviously I have lots of questions. And I think the answer is it's all those things and more. I'm trying to stay positive about it and take positive energy with me to Boston but the fact is I feel less prepared for this marathon than any preceding it. The only thought that keeps me going is that I felt similar before I went to Philadelphia four years ago. I went there with next to no expectations and I missed qualifying for Boston by 4 seconds.

With three weeks to go there isn't a whole lot I'm going to be able to do about it at this point, so I try to keep my mind off of it. But it's hard to do that when you're out on the roads with nothing but your iPod and your mind. The thoughts dart in without thinking of them. The reality stares me down and although I'm concerned I just keep searching. One additional thought pops into my head and it gives me some solace. I won't stop searching for ME. Perhaps I'll find him in Boston?