As I continue to struggle with the worst injury of my life (that's no lie, and I suppose I should consider myself lucky), one thought has consistently come to mind. Actually I've had many thousands of thoughts, but one I keep thinking is that I didn't expect running to be the thing that defines or defined me. What I've learned is that despite what I want, there is no doubt that running has consumed me and the better part of my life over the past five years. When people saw me, they saw a runner. It's what I was. Just like when I was on t.v., they saw the television personality. When people see me at work, they see an HR Director; for whatever that is worth.
I want to believe that this is a temporary thing. I try to stay positive through the ups and downs. I have struggled with the fact that despite my efforts of not allowing it to define me, it has. Running has defined me. And without running, my definition of my being has been lost. It wouldn't be bad if the other thing that defines me; officiating, was not the reason that I've been unable to run. And that I've been unable to officiate.
As the struggle continues I have bordered on the insanity at times. Trying to figure it out. Trying to understand it. Trying to get through it and past it. I've had up times and down times. My mind has ranged the emotions. I've been angered. I've been saddened. I've been happy. I've been enthusiastic. I've been humbled. I've been confused. I've been giddy. I've been scared. I've been anticipating the ebbs and flows. I struggle in looking back. Every time I progress, I want more. Sometimes I can't have more. And the emotional roller-coaster makes a hard left turn. I sink into the abyss quickly and then rise up the other side. It's my life and yet it doesn't feel like me. I wonder if I'm dreaming. I know I'm not. I wonder alot. I wonder when I'll be able to return to normal and what that is. It won't be the normal I once knew and I'm prepared for that. But not knowing what normal will look like causes me to experience more of the fear of the unknown.
Truth of the moment. You're reading a running blog of someone who is currently not a runner. I am not a runner. And I don't know when and if I will ever be again. I want to believe I will. I'm having a hard time right now picturing it. I suppose I'm in a hole right now. On the downswing of this endless roller coaster ride. I love roller coasters. But I'm starting to grow tired of this one, and a little bit sick. Patience of Job? Not even close. I beg for more patience. It must be what now defines me, and for most, including me, that's hard to believe.
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