I followed up with a second doctor this past week. This time I went to an orthopedic physician. I wanted to know more about what might be going on with my foot. I found it odd that I can skate several hockey games and actually feel better, but when I walk long distances, attempt to run or spend long days on my feet I have residual issues.
What I found out was a catch-22. A CT scan confirmed what the MRI showed and that was that I have a bone that was previously broken that is healed and strengthening. What I also found out was just how serious breaking the navicular bone can be. It is a long process of healing that takes even longer to have all of the surrounding tissue and tendons get back to normal.
According to Doc #2, I have a long process ahead of me and when I pushed him to tell me how much longer it could be for me to get back to what I was doing before, he said it could be three to six more months. I was told to listen to my body. It wasn't great news, but it was news that I needed to hear.
Today I know I am not ready to begin training for a marathon yet, and have written off the Pittsburgh Marathon. My goal becomes getting prepared to run the Chicago Marathon in October. First, I will get through hockey season. That could be another week, two and maybe three at best. Once that has ended (in disappointing fashion due to my limitations), I will focus on getting some rehab for the ankle and foot and perhaps begin jogging a bit to test it out and try to get myself back to normal running. According to the timeline I heard yesterday I will be ecstatic if I can get in a normal training run sometime around the first week of May. And so, on and on it goes.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
If I Had Known
If I had known that 111 days after running that 4-miler on my treadmill that I would only run (jog) a handful more times and the calendar would be making a serious push toward March 1, I wouldn't have believed it. Thinking back on what has happened since that evening on October 27, 2008 it is hard for me to believe a lot of it. The mind has a funny way of putting things into perspective and recalling certain things. I'm not a brain expert, but I do know that I recall some things very vividly and other things have found their way out of my psyche.
I remember the day I went to get my x-ray and how I could hardly walk. When I received the phone call that there were no breaks, I had a rush of relief and figured I'd be back to my old self in a couple weeks max.
When a couple more weeks went by and I saw very little improvement I got concerned. Had I not pushed for another appointment it could have gone on a lot longer than it has. When I saw my podiatrist and he said, "10% chance there is a break in there", the relief came back. When I got the results of my MRI and I was told, "you have a non-displaced navicular fracture", I was (oddly enough) relieved again. My pain had a name and a diagnosis.
When four weeks of my life seemed like an eternity I tried to stabilize my mind by getting into a new routine. The stationary bike became my friend and biggest adversary. At least I was doing something. I controlled what I could control. I bordered on madness with the thought of 'when?'
When I had my boot removed on December 22, I was relieved again. Could this be the final relief? Despite ongoing pain I was told that it was all good. Do what I could do. I could even skate. In my mind and especially in my foot, I knew that wasn't true, but at least I was walking again; if you could call it that.
When two more weeks went by and I had no noticeable improvement, I pushed my way back in for another MRI. The results came back a few days later and you guessed it. Relief. The bone was healing. Things were on track. As far as my podiatrist was concerned, "you're healed". Hip hip hooray. Total relief. But then a couple more weeks went by and I realized I wasn't totally healed. At least not to the point that I could return to my pre-injury activities. Pain was still there.
I scheduled an appointment for a second look. A second opinion if you want to call it that. I self-prescribed no running. I am healing. Am I totally healed? No. It's a self-diagnosis. Tomorrow I get another opinion. The past week or so, after skating for the third week in a row (skating actually makes it feel better), I feel relief. But do I really? No. History has taught me to be skeptical. Tomorrow, no matter what they tell me I'll be skeptical. I have learned that your health and most of your treatment and even to a degree your diagnosis is left up to you. It's taught me to be skeptical. I'm sure that I'll be relieved again tomorrow when I'm told that I am healing and that this is normal and that not running is a good idea and that I should wait a few more weeks, then try to do what I can tolerate.
A waste of $25 co-pay if you ask me. But I'm paying for another slither of relief I suppose. If you had told me in October that I'd still be screwing around with this on February 25, I wouldn't have believed you. I'd have bet just about anything on it. Still no running for now. Boy, if I had known...
I remember the day I went to get my x-ray and how I could hardly walk. When I received the phone call that there were no breaks, I had a rush of relief and figured I'd be back to my old self in a couple weeks max.
When a couple more weeks went by and I saw very little improvement I got concerned. Had I not pushed for another appointment it could have gone on a lot longer than it has. When I saw my podiatrist and he said, "10% chance there is a break in there", the relief came back. When I got the results of my MRI and I was told, "you have a non-displaced navicular fracture", I was (oddly enough) relieved again. My pain had a name and a diagnosis.
When four weeks of my life seemed like an eternity I tried to stabilize my mind by getting into a new routine. The stationary bike became my friend and biggest adversary. At least I was doing something. I controlled what I could control. I bordered on madness with the thought of 'when?'
When I had my boot removed on December 22, I was relieved again. Could this be the final relief? Despite ongoing pain I was told that it was all good. Do what I could do. I could even skate. In my mind and especially in my foot, I knew that wasn't true, but at least I was walking again; if you could call it that.
When two more weeks went by and I had no noticeable improvement, I pushed my way back in for another MRI. The results came back a few days later and you guessed it. Relief. The bone was healing. Things were on track. As far as my podiatrist was concerned, "you're healed". Hip hip hooray. Total relief. But then a couple more weeks went by and I realized I wasn't totally healed. At least not to the point that I could return to my pre-injury activities. Pain was still there.
I scheduled an appointment for a second look. A second opinion if you want to call it that. I self-prescribed no running. I am healing. Am I totally healed? No. It's a self-diagnosis. Tomorrow I get another opinion. The past week or so, after skating for the third week in a row (skating actually makes it feel better), I feel relief. But do I really? No. History has taught me to be skeptical. Tomorrow, no matter what they tell me I'll be skeptical. I have learned that your health and most of your treatment and even to a degree your diagnosis is left up to you. It's taught me to be skeptical. I'm sure that I'll be relieved again tomorrow when I'm told that I am healing and that this is normal and that not running is a good idea and that I should wait a few more weeks, then try to do what I can tolerate.
A waste of $25 co-pay if you ask me. But I'm paying for another slither of relief I suppose. If you had told me in October that I'd still be screwing around with this on February 25, I wouldn't have believed you. I'd have bet just about anything on it. Still no running for now. Boy, if I had known...
Friday, February 20, 2009
Big Games
I've been involved in some big games before. As a player, a coach, a color analyst, an umpire and as a hockey official. Some of my most memorable include:
- 1981: East Conemaugh Little League. I played rightfield on an All-Star team loaded with talent. I was so disappointed and angry that I was relegated to rightfield and yet on a fateful Saturday afternoon I made several putouts and had a memorable assist in a 17-11 win over an all star team from Boswell. Coach Ron Reynolds honored me with the gameball afterward. I still have it today.
- 1988: I played linebacker in the Ken Lantzy All Star game at the "old" Point Stadium. I wasn't there to play an "exhibition" game and treated it like a real football game. I was rewarded for my 8 tackle performance and blocked extra point on special teams as one of the defensive MVP's.
- 1991: Playing strong safety for the St. Francis College football team at St. John Fisher University in upstate New York, we needed a win to secure the championship of the Atlantic Collegiate Football Conference. Thanks to a wonderful individual effort by my friend and wide receiver Dan Mathis, we took home a 14-7 win that afternoon and secured championship rings that remains one of my most prized possessions.
- 1999: Kind of a silly one here, but playing in the Adult League Championship game of the Somerset Adult Hockey League, I score a hat trick to help lead our team, Georg Trucking to a 4-1 win over Stoystown Auto Wreckers. Hey, it's a championship.
- 2004: I am honored by earning a spot as a linesman in the Bantam U14 Tier I National Championship game between Honeybaked and the California Wave.
- 2006: I line up at the starting line of the Cleveland Marathon embarking on my first. I didn't know if I could do it, but it remains one of the most memorable days of my life.
- 2008: I get to umpire homeplate of a AAABA matchup between perennial powers New Orleans and Baltimore. It is an honore to call balls and strikes for a guy drafted by the Red Sox and throwing 95 mph cheese.
- 2008: As a new color analyst for Johnstown High Football, I get to call the District 6AAA Championship game at Mansion Park. Despite a Trojan loss, it is a cool experience to toss on the resume.
- Toss in a few Penguin Cup championships at Mellon Arena (5 of them) and last year's State Championship hockey game and I've built a pretty nice officiating resume.
I bring this up today because last evening as I continue my "comeback" to running, I am still relegated to refereeing. I had to concentrate on where I was a month ago, two months ago and three months ago to fully appreciate the progress I have made. It made me realize how lucky I've been and how fortunate I was to be standing at center ice last night ready to drop the puck on a varsity hockey game. Having been back at reffing for three weeks, I had worked 10 games prior to this one; a regular season matchup between State College and Altoona. Not one of the biggest games of anyone's lifetime, but considering where I was, I had a few seconds while the teams were getting ready to hit the ice to realize where I was and what I was doing. It would be the fastest game I'd worked since early October, 2008. I have to admit I thought about the possiblity that it might be one of the final "big" games I'll officiate. I have no idea where I'll end up this year in terms of playoffs and not really sure I want to advance real far. My focus is on my running and getting back to it. But standing at center ice for those few seconds and pondering my future; both immediate and long term, I realized it might be one of those "moments". Probably not, but the possiblity froze me for those few ticks. It made me realize a lot of things, including where I was a long time ago, and where I was at that moment. Big game? Not really, but in some ways, they're all big.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Reluctant Acceptance
This is where I am. Reluctantly, I am accepting the fact that I am not a runner. At the moment. Due to ongoing issues with my broken foot, I have been slowly recovering, but not to the point where running is even an option. I have gradually come back to skating, but even long periods of skating hockey games causes me discomfort and small setbacks. With the Pittsburgh Marathon now just over ten weeks away I am reluctantly accepting that running in the full marathon is not going to be possible. I am hanging onto slim hopes that perhaps I may be able to do the half-marathon as sort of a consolation, but even that hope grows dimmer by the day.
I plan to stay off the roads, treadmill and other forms of running through at least the next month and take it one month at a time. I have found that when I don't run, my foot improves. Skating does damage, but not like running.
As I pondered for the millionth time why this happened, I have also reluctantly come to the conclusion that as an athlete and someone who puts himself in positions of relative danger (let's face it; even running poses risks), this has always been a possibility. Hockey is such a fast paced sport and only now do I fully understand the risks involved and how dangerous it can be even at the lowest levels. What this means for me moving forward I cannot say. What I know is that I have a healthier respect for it and have to be content with the fact that for 13 years, and over 1,400 games I went mostly unscathed. But for one fateful night in October, 2008 I was caught in the wrong position and now the battle is not to get back to marathoning. It's simply to get back to running. I have to concede that I can't put a timeline on this. The body heals in its own way and for now, that has to be enough.
I plan to stay off the roads, treadmill and other forms of running through at least the next month and take it one month at a time. I have found that when I don't run, my foot improves. Skating does damage, but not like running.
As I pondered for the millionth time why this happened, I have also reluctantly come to the conclusion that as an athlete and someone who puts himself in positions of relative danger (let's face it; even running poses risks), this has always been a possibility. Hockey is such a fast paced sport and only now do I fully understand the risks involved and how dangerous it can be even at the lowest levels. What this means for me moving forward I cannot say. What I know is that I have a healthier respect for it and have to be content with the fact that for 13 years, and over 1,400 games I went mostly unscathed. But for one fateful night in October, 2008 I was caught in the wrong position and now the battle is not to get back to marathoning. It's simply to get back to running. I have to concede that I can't put a timeline on this. The body heals in its own way and for now, that has to be enough.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
The Me I Want To Be
As I continue to struggle with the worst injury of my life (that's no lie, and I suppose I should consider myself lucky), one thought has consistently come to mind. Actually I've had many thousands of thoughts, but one I keep thinking is that I didn't expect running to be the thing that defines or defined me. What I've learned is that despite what I want, there is no doubt that running has consumed me and the better part of my life over the past five years. When people saw me, they saw a runner. It's what I was. Just like when I was on t.v., they saw the television personality. When people see me at work, they see an HR Director; for whatever that is worth.
I want to believe that this is a temporary thing. I try to stay positive through the ups and downs. I have struggled with the fact that despite my efforts of not allowing it to define me, it has. Running has defined me. And without running, my definition of my being has been lost. It wouldn't be bad if the other thing that defines me; officiating, was not the reason that I've been unable to run. And that I've been unable to officiate.
As the struggle continues I have bordered on the insanity at times. Trying to figure it out. Trying to understand it. Trying to get through it and past it. I've had up times and down times. My mind has ranged the emotions. I've been angered. I've been saddened. I've been happy. I've been enthusiastic. I've been humbled. I've been confused. I've been giddy. I've been scared. I've been anticipating the ebbs and flows. I struggle in looking back. Every time I progress, I want more. Sometimes I can't have more. And the emotional roller-coaster makes a hard left turn. I sink into the abyss quickly and then rise up the other side. It's my life and yet it doesn't feel like me. I wonder if I'm dreaming. I know I'm not. I wonder alot. I wonder when I'll be able to return to normal and what that is. It won't be the normal I once knew and I'm prepared for that. But not knowing what normal will look like causes me to experience more of the fear of the unknown.
Truth of the moment. You're reading a running blog of someone who is currently not a runner. I am not a runner. And I don't know when and if I will ever be again. I want to believe I will. I'm having a hard time right now picturing it. I suppose I'm in a hole right now. On the downswing of this endless roller coaster ride. I love roller coasters. But I'm starting to grow tired of this one, and a little bit sick. Patience of Job? Not even close. I beg for more patience. It must be what now defines me, and for most, including me, that's hard to believe.
I want to believe that this is a temporary thing. I try to stay positive through the ups and downs. I have struggled with the fact that despite my efforts of not allowing it to define me, it has. Running has defined me. And without running, my definition of my being has been lost. It wouldn't be bad if the other thing that defines me; officiating, was not the reason that I've been unable to run. And that I've been unable to officiate.
As the struggle continues I have bordered on the insanity at times. Trying to figure it out. Trying to understand it. Trying to get through it and past it. I've had up times and down times. My mind has ranged the emotions. I've been angered. I've been saddened. I've been happy. I've been enthusiastic. I've been humbled. I've been confused. I've been giddy. I've been scared. I've been anticipating the ebbs and flows. I struggle in looking back. Every time I progress, I want more. Sometimes I can't have more. And the emotional roller-coaster makes a hard left turn. I sink into the abyss quickly and then rise up the other side. It's my life and yet it doesn't feel like me. I wonder if I'm dreaming. I know I'm not. I wonder alot. I wonder when I'll be able to return to normal and what that is. It won't be the normal I once knew and I'm prepared for that. But not knowing what normal will look like causes me to experience more of the fear of the unknown.
Truth of the moment. You're reading a running blog of someone who is currently not a runner. I am not a runner. And I don't know when and if I will ever be again. I want to believe I will. I'm having a hard time right now picturing it. I suppose I'm in a hole right now. On the downswing of this endless roller coaster ride. I love roller coasters. But I'm starting to grow tired of this one, and a little bit sick. Patience of Job? Not even close. I beg for more patience. It must be what now defines me, and for most, including me, that's hard to believe.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Another Week, More Frustration, Another Decision
I ran three days this past week. For a total of 1.75 miles. I also skated three more hockey games. And I also struggled with pain in my foot. The frustration that I am dealing with is beyond anything I have dealt with in a very long time. I am not sure what is in pain. Is it the tendons? Muscles? Or is it the bone?
All I know is that since January 12 (now going on a month later) I have been in charge of my treatment, my ongoing diagnosis and my own determination of what I should and should not do.
There are days when I feel as if I'm simply being impatient. There are days when I believe I'm getting better. There are days I wonder if I'll every run again. The waves of emotion and of feeling good and bad are unbelievable.
I find that when I don't do too much I see noticeable improvement in a matter of days. As a result, I've made a decision. I will not run until at least March 1. If it takes longer, it takes longer. I have committed to working a number of hockey games the remainder of the month and I will attempt to keep those and fulfill my commitments, but as far as high level games and working much past the first week or two of March I'm finished. I will give up games if I continue to struggle with my foot without running and will seek medical advice again.
One word keeps coming to mind. Unbelievable.
All I know is that since January 12 (now going on a month later) I have been in charge of my treatment, my ongoing diagnosis and my own determination of what I should and should not do.
There are days when I feel as if I'm simply being impatient. There are days when I believe I'm getting better. There are days I wonder if I'll every run again. The waves of emotion and of feeling good and bad are unbelievable.
I find that when I don't do too much I see noticeable improvement in a matter of days. As a result, I've made a decision. I will not run until at least March 1. If it takes longer, it takes longer. I have committed to working a number of hockey games the remainder of the month and I will attempt to keep those and fulfill my commitments, but as far as high level games and working much past the first week or two of March I'm finished. I will give up games if I continue to struggle with my foot without running and will seek medical advice again.
One word keeps coming to mind. Unbelievable.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Back on the Ice
Truth be told, I've been on the ice for the better part of a couple of weeks. Only then did I have a shovel or broom or salt bucket in my hands. Not a whistle. But against my better judgment I decided that yesterday was the day to go back to officiating. As late as Friday morning I wasn't sure if it was a good idea (see previous post). But as the day wore on my foot felt a bit better. I decided that perhaps skating is what I need.
I stayed out of trouble and away from flying pucks. I was nervous and at times a little timid in the corners, but got through it unscathed. The foot did get a little sore during the game and this morning it is a bit sore again, but I have jumped one of the hurdles to recovery. I'm not totally back in action. That won't happen in my mind until I can get a normal training run in of 3 miles. I'm a bit closer to possibly attempting a run again, but I have no idea when. I suppose I'll know in my mind.
For now, I'll work a few games. My next one will be 1,500. A milestone that I thought I was eclipsing back in November. But 86 days went by before I could get in 1,499. Now that it's in the books I'm confident that game will happen Monday night. Despite a slew of available games, I'm going to be selective the rest of the season and have not considered myself back to form by any stretch.
If anything, yesterday gives me a tiny slither of hope that possibly the Pittsburgh Marathon or Half-Marathon is still within reach. Today is the opening of registration for Chicago. I think I'll hold off on that one for now, but my focus is on October and Chicago more than it is Pittsburgh right now. And for good reason.
I stayed out of trouble and away from flying pucks. I was nervous and at times a little timid in the corners, but got through it unscathed. The foot did get a little sore during the game and this morning it is a bit sore again, but I have jumped one of the hurdles to recovery. I'm not totally back in action. That won't happen in my mind until I can get a normal training run in of 3 miles. I'm a bit closer to possibly attempting a run again, but I have no idea when. I suppose I'll know in my mind.
For now, I'll work a few games. My next one will be 1,500. A milestone that I thought I was eclipsing back in November. But 86 days went by before I could get in 1,499. Now that it's in the books I'm confident that game will happen Monday night. Despite a slew of available games, I'm going to be selective the rest of the season and have not considered myself back to form by any stretch.
If anything, yesterday gives me a tiny slither of hope that possibly the Pittsburgh Marathon or Half-Marathon is still within reach. Today is the opening of registration for Chicago. I think I'll hold off on that one for now, but my focus is on October and Chicago more than it is Pittsburgh right now. And for good reason.
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