Giving Thanks

Today is Thanksgiving and in keeping with the spirit of the holidays I am giving thanks today. Despite not being able to run and being nowhere close and not being able to skate, and being nowhere close I am still able to be thankful.

I am thankful for:

• Being alive. It may be cliched, but although some things I am unable to do right now, I am upright and breathing. Sure beats the alternative.
• My wife Becky. She is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. And despite this little road bumps that affect her as much as me, she remains supportive of me no matter how idiotic I can be.
• Our dog Sam. Despite the fact that we've lost 3 dogs in just over a year, Sam is a miracle of sorts. He had a urinary infection that if we hadn't found it, he would be joining the list of "former" dogs. We saved his life twice.
• Employment. In light of what is going on in the world today, I am lucky to have a good job that pays me fairly and I am able to support myself and my family.
• Friends. It's a select group, but like they say at the end of It's a Wonderful Life. "No man is a failure who has friends".
• A future. One which I hope sees me run the Boston Marathon. But if I never get there, I'll sure have had fun trying.

No sense in talking much about anything else today. Be thankful and happy. Happy Thanksgiving all.

A Year of Change

One year ago today I was in a rental car on the Pennsylvania Turnpike heading back home from Philadelphia. It was a bittersweet trip that had me thinking about how close I had come to qualifying for the Boston Marathon. A day earlier I had run the marathon of my life. Perfect weather conditions coupled with a perfect course for my style and an alignment of all the stars put me in position to run a BQ. But in the final mile or two my body relented and I narrowly missed. Four seconds. That's all that stood between me and my ultimate running goal.

I struggled for several days to make sense of it and invariably I asked many questions. Many "what ifs" that I couldn't answer. One 'what if' question that still haunts me is, "what if I never get that close again?"

I drove home on that rainy and snowy day with a drive and desire to overcome those four seconds. I couldn't get two words out of my mind. SO CLOSE.

Fast forward one year. So much has happened. I have so much to be proud of. I set new PR's in several race distances, including one I thought I'd never break (5k). I put together one of my best "overall" years of running despite falling back in the marathon distance. A disappointing run in Frederick in May followed by a so-so showing in Johnstown just seven weeks ago had me looking at a run toward Boston in Richmond last weekend.

But the stars of fate worked against me once again. A cruel test of will and a hockey puck hit me and has put me in a predicament I have not had to deal with recently. I recall the broken bone in my right ankle in college that kept me from my teammates on the football team. It changed my life for a short while. But at the time it seemed an eternity. My recollection gets more vivid everyday. I am thankful I'm not in a hard cast as I was then. I am thankful to still be upright and breathing. But like a year ago, two words cross my mind often. THIS SUCKS.

A year ago I was so close. This year I am so far away. Far away from normalcy. Far away from the game of ice hockey. Far away from running and the health and feeling of well being it gives me. Things have changed. I eat less. I sleep less. I think more. It's a horrible combination. Will this pass? Sure. I am certain of that. But when? And how? Those are the questions of life I suppose. They're always there. But it takes something like this to bring them to the forefront. That and, "what happened to you?" I cannot wait for this to pass and for normalcy to show it's beautiful face again.

A New Fight

With running in 2008 in the books, my focus has shifted to what I can do to make sure that 2009 is all that I expected it to be before this unfortunate turn of events.

I have spent the past 48 hours or so looking at what I know and what I can do for right now. Here is what I know.

• I'm not running a step until at least January 2009 TBD.
• I'm not skating a hockey game until at least January 2009 TBD.
• I have a broken bone in my left navicular bone of my foot.
• I am in a walking boot and using my own crutches for a week or so to try and give the foot as much rest as possible.
• I am using a bone healing system with electrical stimulation to promote bone healing.
• I have a follow-up appointment on December 22, 2008. Around that same time I will have a follow-up MRI to determine if this bone is healing.
• Everything takes me longer and is much harder including simply taking a shower.
• I cannot change the past, I can only control what I do now and in the future.
• I will finish 2008 having run 808 miles.
• I will finish 2008 having worked 1,498 hockey games in my officiating career.

Here are a few other things that I am 100% sure of:

• I want to run again and Boston continues to be my ultimate running goal.
• I want to work two more hockey games to get to 1,500 career games.
• I am currently doing all I can to get my foot well and stay in as good a shape as I can. This includes lifting weights and riding my stationary bike; which sucks by the way.

Far worse than anything else at this point is the mental difficulty I am struggling with. I have always been an active person that moved quickly when deciding to do anything. The only major injuries I have had in my athletic career included a cracked sternum in high school that didn't really keep me out of action. I broke my right pinkie in college and played the eight remaining games with a brace and wrap on it. I broke my right ankle my freshman year of college and missed the final six games of that season. That has been it. Not a bad run. At the age of 38 I have not been limited all that much by injury, so this is very new to me. Each day I feel like a slug and struggle with what will happen in the coming weeks. Will it get better? I'm pretty sure it will, but when? Will it give me problems in the future? Maybe, but to what degree I don't know. Perhaps the toughest question is whether or not surgery is going to be needed on this thing. That will more than likely be the first question answered and it will be answered around Christmastime. Until then the only things I control are my mind and my rehab. And for now, it's not much, but it's all I've got. Reluctantly I've accepted that.

Relief and Then Worry

What is a running blog without running? I suppose we're going to find out, but for now it's an injury blog. Today I got what I thought might be good news that gave me some relief. I went to my foot doctor on Monday and was able to get in for an MRI on Tuesday. The results of which showed that I have a fracture of my navicular bone. I was relieved to finally know what was wrong, but obviously no running or any activity for 4-6 weeks is not something I'm looking forward to. It's a new chapter, and one I'm not really excited about. But it is what it is.

What I've read about navicular fractures are not pleasant, but I can at least take solace in the fact that it's a 'non-displaced' fracture and that gives it probably my best chance at healing correctly.

All I can do now is the next best thing which is to follow his instructions, use this walking boot and try to stay off of it as much as possible. That, and read and hope and pray.

There won't be any running for awhile and I'm almost assured of closing the book on the 2008 running calendar. But with a little luck, good graces and some good old fashioned rest, we'll see what happens. I'll keep you posted along the way. I've got little else to do.

Getting Ahead of Myself

That's what I get for posting that things were going well. The next day after my last post I got back to frustration. This injury has been by far, the worst I've had in years. It just doesn't want to seem to get better. Even though I've been staying off of it and doing the right thing it kind of has a mind of its own.

Still, without getting too encouraged, today is a good day. The pain is still there, but I know I'm not near getting back to running or skating. But we'll see.

I've scheduled an appointment with the foot specialist tomorrow and will know more (I hope) upon returning. If I can't damage it any further I'm tempted to skate this week. I hate to give up too many games, but I also need to be smart. Asking myself which is more important to me, I'd have to say my running is more important to me than refereeing. That was an eye opener.

And speaking of eye opener, this injury has taught me how quickly things can change and so I have decided to invest in a face shield. I couldn't help but think how horrible it had been if this same puck had hit me in the eye. I suppose I'm getting a little older and wiser. The shield will be here tomorrow, so I've worked my last game without one (game #1,498).

And finally, yesterday was the day I was supposed to run Richmond. I thought about it throughout the day and while riding the bike yesterday I decided after getting in the hour I had planned on riding it that I would go an extra 1.2 miles since I was close and did 26.2 miles on the bike in an hour and four minutes. Still, I hate the bike and hope I can say goodbye to it very soon.

A Ray of Hope

While sitting in my living room on Veteran's Day wondering when I could stop taking ibuprofen and having to ice this thing and why the world is being so unfair to me I struggled with thoughts on how to get this thing better. Do I get an MRI? Do I continue doing what I'm doing? Chiropractor? Active Release Therapy? Then I came to an easy conclusion. If I could just stop walking around on this thing for a few days it could get a lot better a lot quicker. Seems easy enough. Why didn't the P.A. who had me x-rayed even suggest a brace, a walking cast, crutches? Who knows. But I do know that every day has been like re-injuring the foot to a varying degree. Each night the swelling returns and the icing process begins.

Then it hits me. I can stay off of it for a few days. I just needed a pair of crutches. So I made some calls and lo and behold I've got a pair of used crutches. Perhaps it was the anticipation of relief. Perhaps it was just time taking it's natural course. Whatever the reason, the foot was actually better last night. Not 100% and not near 100% but certainly noticeable improvement for the first time in over two weeks.

I'm not close to getting back on the roads, but I feel closer than yesterday and that is a step in the right direction.

A Long Slow Road

The road to recovery. What is being termed most likely a "soft-tissue" injury for me in possibly the worst spot, this road is windy, long and as difficult as any I've traveled.

Although it feels as if the foot is getting better, I still struggle with the fact that by simply walking I am hurting the foot. Each day I ice, I elevate and I medicate. I also am getting impatient as to when I might be able to run again. I am struggling and mightily. This is probably the worst injury I've suffered in a long time.

And despite the positives (they are few and far), I am still struggling knowing that I cannot do what I used to do. I want to get back on the roads and I don't know when that will be possible. Tomorrow evening will be two weeks since I took the puck in my foot and although I would say it is better it is still not near to being good enough.

I am angry with the player that hit me. Especially when I think about the fact that he was in the process of "reversing the play", which means that he purposely threw the puck backwards instead of moving it forward. As I remember the play he had no reason to reverse the play. He had room to get it out or chip it out off the glass. But because of a stupid choice by him, I am hobbled. And I am angry. Fortunately I don't know who it was and don't care. I would never retribute anyway. But the fact of the matter is I am not running, I am frustrated and I am badly in need of getting right and back out on the roads. And so for now; I wait...

Everything Happens for a Reason

Oh, it's the oldest; well, one of the oldest cliches in the book. You hear people say it all the time. Most of the time you wonder if they believe themselves or if it's just to comfort a bad situation. Who knows. But if everything happens for a reason, I for one am here to tell you that it's a straight 50/50 and possibly less that you immediately know what that reason is right away.

And so today, I came to the grim reality that it makes no sense, common or otherwise, to take a trip five hours from home to run in a marathon that will take place in just over a week. Not when my foot is still bothering me badly. Not when I have run 4 miles since October 26 and the first two of those miles were run at a pace slower than eight and half minutes. Not when I've got thirteen days in front of me to recuperate before I have to get back on the ice to officiate my next hockey game.

I could be a hero and go and do the marathon. Of that I am sure. It seemed the longer I ran on the treadmill the other night the more my foot seemed to loosen up. But what damage would I do and how much further would I set myself back upon finishing?

No, the reality of the situation; which I have known for about a week, is that the wise thing to do is take my losses in stride and get this foot well. There are other races to be run. There are many more miles to be run. Frustrating as it is, I'm sure this is happening for a reason. But I have no idea what the hell that reason is right now. And that, perhaps, is one of the most frustrating things about this. That and not running.

X-Rays Negative

After messing around with a severely bruised foot for a week, I decided it was time to put my mind at ease one way or the other. I headed to the doctor and got my foot x-rayed. They came back negative and I was told that rest is what I need. It was suggested that I take it easy for two more weeks. Being the impatient person that I am I'm still holding out hope that I can have myself rested, healed and ready for the Richmond Marathon which now looms just a touch over nine days away.

I can't help but think of all the weeks of training and miles that went into preparing for this race and now it seems as though I'm lying to myself that it's even a possibility. This morning I asked aloud if I was in fact lying to myself. Are all the signs pointing to backing out? Probably. But I've pushed my official decision off until this Saturday. Why? I have no idea. I suppose putting off the inevitable. It also gives me a few more days to maybe try and get out on the road and run a little bit.

My plan was to do that after work on Wednesday. We'll see how that goes. Even though I kind of know what the answer is. I should probably listen to the medical professionals. But I'm not built that way. The x-rays were negative. But negative in more ways than one.

Continued Struggles

I suppose perhaps you could call me impatient. I suppose. But six days after getting hit in the foot with a puck and one week since I ran at all, and frustration is beginning to set in.

I was able to skate today. In pain, but nonetheless, skated a game. I'm not sure it was the smart thing to do and I doubt that I helped my foot, but in a skate boot and with some added padding, I was able to get by.

I have one more game to work this Thursday and then I have an amazing 13 days off before I have to officiate again. That is unheard of in the middle of November, but it's a quirk in my schedule.

After today I feel as though my foot took two steps back and I'm seriously doubting going to Richmond. Still, I'll wait to see how I feel come Friday morning before making my "final" decision.

Ask me today, and I'll tell you that the chances are 90-10 against going.