Time

Time.  We never seem to have enough.  It never stops but inevitably and on many planes, it does come to an end.  Otherwise sporting events would go on indefinitely.  Class schedules would be confusing and the workplace would be utter pandemonium. That is, if workers would even show up or on time.  Philosophers have varying points of view on whether time even exists. Isaac Newton believed, and his theories even gained him the distinction of having time named after him; Newtonian time.  And speaking of Newton, if an apple a day truly does keep the doctor away, then why do they have appointments or even waiting rooms?  What are we waiting on?  More time? Is their time more valuable than yours?  If time does indeed exist, then what is its value?  Is time truly money?  Where do you buy it?  Everyone knows that when your time has come, no money in the world can save you. Is time on your side or is it your enemy?  If an enemy, don't turn your back on it.  For if you do, time will catch up with you. Bet you didn't know it was chasing you in the first place did you?

We spend our entire lives using time as a means of measuring everything including the length of hours, days, weeks, months and years.  We use it to compartmentalize work days, meetings, bus, train and plane schedules and seasons of the year.  Our age is nothing more than a measurement of the amount of time we've graced the planet.  Doctors offices aren't the only people who schedule appointments.  We hustle from place to place looking at timepieces to keep us in order. 

Despite all of this, time sometimes slips away.  Time; it flies (ok, no more puns).  It's something we can't touch and something we can't feel but on and on it goes.  And so I'm left to wonder what has happened since the last time I posted on this blog.  A tiny little piece of the web that I created many years ago to help me stay motivated and document the trials and tribulations of my attempt to qualify for and inevitably run the Boston Marathon.  One of the greatest accomplishments, athletically or not, that I've ever dreamed to accomplish.  The entire journey was predicated on time.  On the margin of this very blog I have listed personal best times, along with times of each marathon I have attempted and completed.  Miles I have run measured in hours, minutes and seconds with time goals missed and gained.  It was a qualifying time that was necessary to get to Boston.  Hundreds of training runs measured with time to know how I was doing.  Calculations of time that would allow me to adapt my training and prepare for my runs.  And after six marathons, four of which were attempts to qualify, I finally did reach that goal.  At the Chicago Marathon (my 7th) in 2009 I ran a fast enough time to qualify for one of the most prestigious races in the world. As with any race, my Boston experience will forever have a number attached to it.  A time.  

With Boston checked off my list, I came home and found that running had lost a purpose.  Longer training runs of ten or more miles seemed more of a task than they had been when they were part of a schedule.  An inevitable letdown after spending years chasing a time.  Part of that letdown has been less attention focused on this blog.  No doubt life has gotten in the way and much has changed but one thing remains.  I still have a passion for running, and I still have a passion for writing.  As a writer I've learned that topics come at you from weird places.  Having forgotten about this blog largely for the better part of the last year I opened it up yesterday and said aloud, "It's time". 

Doin' Some Soul Searching

Tuesday morning I awoke with the best of intentions.  I had hoped to get back onto the roads in the early morning.  Something I have rarely done lately.  But as I have done for over a year now, I disappointed myself and ended up running after class at 9:00 p.m.  I suppose the good news is I am still running.  But I am nowhere near as fast as I once was, and I'm not logging the number of miles I once was. 

Tuesday morning when I did awake I stepped onto the scale and for the first time in a very long time I tipped over 180 pounds at 180.2.  I was so angry with myself.  That is still a very good weight for me to be carrying but since January of last year I have put on about 8 pounds.  I am certain this is part of my issue. 

As I stepped onto the treadmill at 9:03 p.m. two nights ago I got myself going, flipped on my iPod Shuffle and took off.  Disappointed, angry and generally not happy with myself or where I am I did a lot of thinking.  Actually it was refreshing.  I am certain that I'm not far away from being back to where I was at one time.  It wasn't that long ago and all I need to do is string together a few good runs and start feeling good again. 

I am happy to report that even though it's only been a few days, I have resisted desserts for the most part, which has been difficult to do of late and I have worked out and run consistently.  Today I did 4 of my 5 miles in Boston qualifying time.  It's truly only a start and although I'm exhausted as I write this I feel as though I'm off and running.  I realized something else on the treadmill the other night.  I need to find that fire once again and commit myself to something.  Perhaps not Boston but I've got to find that something that is going to drive me like Boston did for so many years.  I sit back and realize that after pushing myself and driving myself for 5 years and worked myself hard to accomplish a goal I know that this is probably normal.  It's just a bump in the road and soon I'll find that desire.  Soon I'll get myself feeling better and soon I'll be back to the level that will make me content once again. 

No Reason to Question, Just Go With It

It has been about eleven months since I've "blogged" and in that time my well documented struggles have continued. So much, in fact, that I even questioned whether or not I wanted to even continue running. I am not sure how I got into this funk. I don't remember how long it's been since I've been in this funk and I don't even know why it's important to even ask those questions any longer. The fact of the matter is that I can look back at my running logs as well as posts here on this blog and realize that it has been an almost constant struggle for over a year.

But perhaps I am turning the corner a bit. Perhaps. I have been able to string together a couple of good runs here and there. I have been able to continue to push through when I've wanted to quit. I still work hard to excel and I've even run a couple of early spring races.

Another turning point for me has been those races. No, I haven't done particularly well. I was always able to challenge for a sub-20:00 5k and in each of the last two races I have posted 21:31 and 21:20 respectively. I don't know why, but my speed has left me. My endurance has left me. But what I have learned through running tells me that it doesn't have to be that way. I believe there is a possibility that I am simply burned out. So I have decided to try and go back to running for the joy that it brings me. My ultra-competitive side often causes me to struggle with the concept but I have tried to run without worry of time. I have tried to run purely for the joy of the run. I have made it work a few times. Other runs I still end with disappointment because I'm not as fast as I feel I should be.

I believe in my heart I can get back to where I was. I'm simply not at that level at the moment and I need to give myself time to get back to that level. I realize it won't happen overnight and that is the key. I have tried to stop questioning everything and simply go with it. Let the runs take me where they will and be happy that I am still out there. I am still putting one foot in front of the other and I am still moving forward, even if I feel like I'm moving backward. It's been a rough year. But the future still seems bright and I know that good things lie in front of me. Acceptance of where I am is the first step to getting back to the me I wish to be.

A Good Rebound

I went to Pittsburgh this morning to run in the Komen Race for the Cure 5k. Even though I have been mostly disappointed in my racing lately I felt as though I was ready to improve upon previous outings and wanted to push myself in this race. It is a challenging course with nearly 2 miles of hills from the start in the Schenley Park area of Pittsburgh with a downhill finish.

I did struggle early on but as the race progressed I was able to push aside the urge to slow down and fought through the negative thoughts and by the time I raced across the finish line in 21:16 I felt as though I really rebouned from mostly disappointing performances.

The actual finish time itself is not all that impressive as a whole. After all I've broken 20:00 fourteen times and this time was only good for 34th place all time on my 5k race list (out of 53 races), but it is a very challenging course. In addition I have become more interested in seeing how I fared compared to the field and within my age group.

When I look at the overall race, I finished 72nd out of 2,211 participants. That is in the top 3.3% of all finishers. When I look at the 40-49 age group I finished 6th out of 175 participants. That is within the top 3.4% of finishers in my age group.

I cannot be anything but pleased with today's performance and my plan is to build upon it as I now enter the summer racing season.

Right Back Where I Started From

It's been five days since I ran the fabled course in Boston, Massachusetts and I've even started exercising again. Yesterday I ran a slow recovery 3 miles (legs were still sore) and today I got back at my lifting routine.

Although I have spent pretty much all of the past five days reflecting on the experience that was Boston I must admit to having mixed feelings. On one hand I am very satisfied and happy to have etched my name into the history of the Boston Marathon. I am content with the effort I put forth toward the race. I wasn't so happy with my training; which I've discussed in this very blog, which came back to haunt me just past 21 miles. Which brings me to the feeling of contentment I have with those first 21 miles. After reviewing the race and my time splits and hashing over how I ran this race I cannot be more happy that I was able to hold the pace I did for so long. The fact that I was running on a 3:30 pace through 21 miles is nothing short of astonishing considering the amount of treadmill running I did this past winter. And yet I still feel far short of any of my expectations. I had set a 3:30 goal in my mind with a secondary goal of no more than 3:39:59 for obvious reasons. But I didn't reach either of those. No, not even close.

Posting a 3:52:42 (and I hesitated to even bold that) was and is a huge disappointment. It stands as my second slowest time in a marathon (besides my very first one). It was 7:00 slower than Frederick (which was awful). It was 19:00 slower than Johnstown (which was awful past mile 18), and 23:00 slower than Pittsburgh (which was challenging to say the least).

And so I am left to wonder what might have been. Satisfied and yet vastly dissatisfied. I've reached my goal of getting to Boston. I reached my goal of finishing Boston. But like so many races before, I am not happy with the complete picture. Before heading north last Saturday my mind was set to finish this off and then maybe step away from marathoning for awhile. Run shorter races. Run but not on such a regimented schedule. Now, I feel like I'm still unfulfilled. The question I keep asking myself is what would make me happy? How can I make this go away? The answer is actually a simple one. Although the solution is hard. Much harder than it was a year ago. I feel like I must get myself back there and simply train for it and run it better. Go and get that 3:30. But in order to do that, I need to run a sub-3:15. Something I have not yet done.

In a lot of ways I feel as though I'm right back to where I started from...

Speaks for Itself....I'm honored.

http://www.wjactv.com/videos/sports/johnstown-runner-sets-sights-on-boston-marathon/vDSBg/

Three Unique Runs

March, 2011 certainly went out like a lion, but April didn't come in like a lamb. And now with just a smidge over 14 days left before I run in the 115th edition of the Boston Marathon I am left to wonder if I've done enough. As I mentioned in my previous post, there isn't a whole lot I'm going to be able to do about it now if I haven't but still I wonder. And then, I have days like I've had on each of my last three runs. It's days like those when I am reminded that although it's all about the training and the running and the preparation, it's NOT about any of those things. (Run #1 Wednesday, March 30, 2011) All of my runs used to be in the early mornings when the world was waking up around me. When the dark moved toward the light. There is a peace about running in the morning and there is no better way to get a day off to its start than with the early morning run. Lately, as it has been well-documented, I have struggled to drag myself out of bed. So more often than I'd like to admit or give into, I have run after work or in the evenings. This day was no different. I slept in with the intention of running after work. The cold winter that we have just endured has somehow continued into the month of March and doesn't appear to be subsiding as April quickly approaches. With morning temperatures near record lows part of my reason to run later is to run in warmer temperatures. Sounds like a plan but sometimes it doesn't quite work out, like today. The snow started to fall lightly on my drive home from work and steadily intensified as I got closer to home. By the time I reached the house, it was beginning to lay on the roads. I thought briefly about hitting the treadmill but there was something about the look and feel of this late season snow. I've often felt that the first few snows of the year and the last few snows of the year make for the prettiest snows of the year. On this day, that would be confirmed as I went out for my 5-miler. As the snow fluctuated in intensity and alternated on occasion between a fine light snow and a crispy sleet I pounded on the roads with a focus and an energy I have shown far too little these past few months. The high occasional wind made it seem miserable but when the wind would subside the real beauty of this run was exposed. A few weeks ago we saw a few days of temperatures in the 60's and lots of people were out and about, raking their lawns, walking their dogs or preparing for what seemed to be an inevitable spring warmup. But mother nature threw a curveball at us all and as a result for a late March day as the grey skies hovered over us and mixed and alternating precipitation fell upon us it felt more like an early morning winter run. But there were discernable differences. Robins chirped and scurried on the ground searching for late afternoon meals. On the main roads traffic was moving about at a normal rate. But as I approached the final mile of my run in the residential area that I live it was noticeable to me that activity was at a minimum and I seemed to plod along all by myself. As I ran the final hundred yards back to my house the night sky was beginning to engulf the horizon and the only sounds I heard were the steady footfalls in front of me, the cadence of my breathing and the crackling of the tiny ice pellets of snow that attacked the material of my running jacket. As I came to a stop and stood behind my house I looked around and heard the unbridled beauty of nature that surrounded me. I stood in amazement as it fell deeper into darkness and I hastily grabbed my camera phone to capture the moment. Although you cannot hear it, you can see it in the photo above. What I find to be so mesmerizing about this picture is how it captures the feeling that I had of not being able to tell whether it was morning with the darkness fading or late afternoon with the darkness forthcoming. Within 10 minutes of that photo being taken, it was clear which side of the clock we were on. But for that small window of time I could have fooled myself into thinking it was early morning. (Run #2 Friday, April 1, 2011) Similar set of circumstances as run #1 but oh, so different. I drove home from work in bountiful sunshine and looked forward to a run in the sun. Despite temperatures in the upper 30's I find it to be equally important to run with a sunsoaked sky every now and then. It's good for the mind. I arrived at home and wasted no time getting back out on the run, also a 5-miler. Shortly after I departed I noticed cloudy skies were beginning to descend upon us and although the forecast called for possibly rain showers with the chance for more snow I figured it was coming later on in the evening. But halfway through my run light snow began to fall and as I got through 3 miles it began falling harder. Shortly after I hit the 4-mile mark I noticed that the clouds were beginning to break up a bit and even though some blue skies were visible the snow continued to fall. Then as I turned the corner and headed for home (about a 1/2 mile to go), the sun came out. However, the snow continued to fall. Not only did it continue to fall, it intensified. It intensified so quickly and came down so harshly I recall thinking that if it continued it would fall at about an inch an hour rate. It felt like a middle of the winter snowstorm snow. As I stared at this wall of snow falling through a bright sunshine I remarked outloud....."that.....is......awesome". And I immediately thought how lucky I was to see it. It lasted only about 30 seconds and then it was gone. As I climbed the hill back to my house it was sunny just like it was when I left. In that 38-39 minutes it went from total sunshine to a snowstorm back to total sunshine. One of the more unique runs I've been on in a long long time. I wish I had a picture of it to post, but I don't have one. It lives in my mind. (Run #3 Sunday, April 3, 2011) Call it a bad habit. I didn't even run in the morning today. And although you could call it excuse making, I had good reason(s). Yesterday afternoon I experienced very slight pain in the quadriceps that gave me so many problems last fall. It was vague discomfort and it gave me pause waking this morning. Since I also had plans to attend an open house I decided to wait until the afternoon again to run. More specifically I decided to run after watching the Pirates game that was on at 2:00 p.m. Despite planning on doing a 10-12 miler I convinced myself that perhaps half of that was more appropriate since not doing a few miles wouldn't really hurt me at this point. After all, with two weeks to go, I'm either ready or I'm not. So I decided to play it safe and bargained myself into doing a 6-miler. Further, since today was supposed to be long-slow run day I planned on doing an 8:00 minute pace. Originally I set my watch to 48:00 and was just going to run and time it right but decided to run my usual route so I knew how my pacing was going. After hitting the 1-mile mark at 7:57 I knew I was off to a good start. It felt comfortable and easy. At mile-2 I was so relaxed I forgot to hit my watch and when I crossed mile-3 at 23:56 I felt good about my pacing ability. It still felt effortless and I concentrated on my quads and knees to make sure I wasn't doing further damage. At mile-4 I clicked my split at 31:59 and when I crossed the 5- mile mark at 39:59 I remember thinking how perfect I was making this run. Literally running at even splits. When I got back to where I started at the house and hit my watch button I looked in amazement at the face of my watch reading 48:00. Even though it's not my normal marathon pace or one I want to run, I can't help but wonder if today was the perfect run? Who knows? But it was a perfect way to wrap up the week after two unique runs in a row. Today was the hat trick and the better news is that my knee responded well. I'm down to 14 days and 7 runs remaining before toeing the line in Hopkinton. I can only hope that the memories of the past few days will help me keep things in perspective as I run into difficulty on April 18. At the very least I've got three unique runs in a row at a time when I really needed it.

Still Looking for ME

Helluva time to pick to go disappearing. Try the entire winter and spring (so far) prior to the 2011 Boston Marathon. I went out for my 10-mile run today after work. One of my final two double-digit runs prior to the big day and like always, I did a lot of thinking on that run. I thought of lots of things but two themes stand out to me.

First, I kept thinking about what's wrong with me. Where am I? Which leads me to the second thought. And invariably the two are tied together. This is the biggest sporting event I've participated in in my entire life (debatable, but I don't think I've been involved in any bigger. The sheer history of the Boston Marathon and the fact that one must qualify to get into it leaves me thinking that yes, it is THE BIGGEST event of my life.) Where am I? Why can't I run fast like I did just a year ago at this time? Am I burnt out? Did the broken foot and then the tendinitis last year finally catch up to me? Is it the bad winter? (<-- frankly, this one is an excuse). Is my commitment level not where it should be? Did I spend too much time on the treadmill this past winter? Did the fact that I worked only half my normal complement of hockey games affect my cross-training? (<-- catch/22 of this is that I purposedly backed off so as to not get injured and cost myself Boston). Do others who qualify for this race experience the same kind of "drop off" I have?

With three weeks to go, obviously I have lots of questions. And I think the answer is it's all those things and more. I'm trying to stay positive about it and take positive energy with me to Boston but the fact is I feel less prepared for this marathon than any preceding it. The only thought that keeps me going is that I felt similar before I went to Philadelphia four years ago. I went there with next to no expectations and I missed qualifying for Boston by 4 seconds.

With three weeks to go there isn't a whole lot I'm going to be able to do about it at this point, so I try to keep my mind off of it. But it's hard to do that when you're out on the roads with nothing but your iPod and your mind. The thoughts dart in without thinking of them. The reality stares me down and although I'm concerned I just keep searching. One additional thought pops into my head and it gives me some solace. I won't stop searching for ME. Perhaps I'll find him in Boston?

A Final Tune-Up

Although next Saturday would have been a better race in Meyersdale (Maple Festival 5-miler), I decided to run the Pennsylvania Highlands Sprint to Success 5k today as my final tune-up race before Boston. Despite running a 21:28 (unofficial), a time that most of my friends and loved ones say is very good, I find myself disappointed and struggling to understand why I am not as fast as I was just a year ago.

My weight has been fairly consistent and the only explanation I can come up with is that I spent more than my fair amount of time on the treadmill this past winter. I became much less of a die-hard going outside when the weather turned bad and the weather was bad more often than it wasn't this past winter.

After struggling with quadriceps tendinitis last fall and not racing as much I guess that not actually racing is a secondary reason why my speed isn't there. With just over three weeks remaining before my bid day there isn't much I can do about it at this point. I must focus my energies on Boston and running my best possible time there. However, I think that it is important for me to make sure that I enjoy the moment there and take it all in. Even if that means I have to stop on occasion to enjoy the revelry of the race and not worry so much about time. That will be fairly difficult for me to do but perhaps my lack of speed right now will have me balanced enough to realize that speed is not of the essence. At least not right now.

Above is my race shirt and 2nd place medal in the 40-49 age group (my friend Paul Straka took first. Despite my snails pace, I still managed to finish 5th overall. Perhaps that is why people think I'm crazy for being disappointed.

7159...

No, it's not some weirdo hidden code to explain the Mayan calendar or the impending end of the earth and life as we know it. Today is kind of a landmark day in that I logged into my profile for the Boston Marathon and I have been assigned Bib # 7159. This continues a string of odd bib numbers for every marathon except for my first (Cleveland; Bib #376). Every marathon since has been an odd number which is good luck. Hey, I'll take what I can get.

The other significance of my bib is that I will be taking off from the start with runners in the First Wave. This year Boston will be using a Three Wave Start format with approximately 9,000 people starting in each wave. Obviously, it's somewhat advantageous to start out front as I found out in Chicago.

I'm getting pretty excited about this thing. As I should. I've got a 20-miler to get through this Saturday and then it's taper-time. If I can string together another good week this week I think I'll be well on my way to respectability. Which is a long hnaul from where I thought I'd be 3 months ago. Two months ago. Hell, even a month ago...